Top 5 awesome things about being fat

 

5) Wrinkle-free!

I’m 36 and a few months ago I was sitting in front of a cafe and a sweet but misguided (on a number of levels) woman tried to set me up with her 18 year old son. I still get carded for booze and smokes. Botox Schmotox. I mean, f*ck ageism and all, but stick that in your syringe and inject it, Hollywood!

4) You get your own seat on public transit!

Let’s face it – given the choice between the fatty or the drunken hipster with a personal vendetta against antiperspirant, most folks will sit with the hipster. I used to take this personally. I would tuck in as much of my flab as possible and will myself smaller — light as a feather/stiff as a board-style — in hopes of receiving the pointless validation of having a total stranger choose to sit with me. In retrospect — why the hell would I ever DO THAT? Truth is, having your own seat on a smelly bus or an overheated subway is just plain awesome. A little passive rejection for a little extra leg room is a fair trade to me!

3) You are your own pool noodle!

I fly a lot and I have to admit to a slight amount of smug self-satisfaction each time they talk about flotation devices and the unlikely event of a water landing. There are approximately eleventy-bajillion things that would suck about a water landing but having to tread water until I’m too exhausted to continue is probably not one of them. Knock on wood and all that but I’d last a helluva lot longer than Kate Moss.

2) Built-in drunken frat boy protection!

House party. 2am. Jake, Steve and Brody are sloppy drunk and sloshing their misogyny (and their beer) all over bored and irritated co-eds in hopes that one of them is blitzed or approval-seeking enough to fall for it. You, on the other hand, are probably either making out with your sexy, intelligent and not-an-asshole date, dancing it out with your friends, or having an only partially-slurred conversation with someone who hasn’t been completely lobotomized by a beer bong. Not to say you won’t still get hit on, because it’s a party and you’re hot. But until the “norm” shifts to include the rest of us, you have a small layer of protection against robotic, shallow, vapid, selfish meatheads . Enjoy it while it lasts!

1) Community!

Ok, so the whole world is “community” for the folks in the aesthetic norm, but there is something deliciously warm about the shared experience of subculture. Bonding about Chub Rub? Hilarious. FatGirl clothing exchanges? Amazing. Big Butt Bike Rides? Chunky Dunks? Body-positive dance parties? Places where everyone in the room isn’t neurotically obsessed with counting every single calorie, obsessing over stretch marks or methodically listing off every single real or perceived flaw with their body? Priceless.

(Disclaimer: you don’t have to be fat to take part in the above, and being fat certainly doesn’t automatically release you from body neurosis — but loving yourself does!)

What do you think is awesome about being fat? Comment and we’ll create a joint Top 10!

12 Comments
  1. In the famous words of Black Eyed Peas “My Humps”

    What you gon’ do with all that junk?
    All that junk inside that trunk?
    I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
    Get you love drunk off my hump.
    What you gon’ do with all that ass?
    All that ass inside them jeans?
    I’ma make, make, make, make you scream
    Make you scream, make you scream.
    What you gon’ do with all that junk?
    All that junk inside that trunk?
    I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
    Get you love drunk off this hump.
    What you gon’ do wit all that breast?
    All that breast inside that shirt?
    I’ma make, make, make, make you work
    Make you work, work, make you work.

    … enough said! :P

  2. #6 for my cold, cold hometown: Being fat means that when you slip on the ice and fall on a padded part, you can get up with maybe a couple of bruises and legitimately say, “Oh man, that could have been so much worse.” :)

  3. On a more serious note — less risk of osteoporosis.

  4. .hugs and cuddles!! everyone wants to snuggle up to the fluffy folk.

  5. I have found after attending my 30th class reunion. That while all the skinny gals are still skinny, they sure have a Helluva lot more wrinkles than I do. Being chubby I still have soft and wrinkle free skin. People never believe me when I tell them I turn 50 this September. I guess that is OK with me. So I might be Fat…BUT Mama I’m wrinkle FREE!

  6. In from the Twitterverse and had to say-

    #4; U, damn, skippy! Sorry you had to sit next to that incontinent Crackhead this morning but… Well… No, actually. I’m not.

  7. I am less likely to be the victim of a crime that involves me being stuffed in the trunk of a car. :) I stay warmer in the winter. I don’t deprive myself of food that I enjoy or tastes good. I exercise because I want to or because I enjoy it, not because I feel compulsed to do so to fit into societal standards of beauty.

  8. Thank you!!! *smoooooch*

  9. Thanks for this, Stacy. *
    i have a couple of things to add to the list.
    1. Cushy people make a great sturdy target for certain consensual activities.
    2. More dermal real estate means fantastic canvas for body art.
    xxxo, d

  10. I realize this post is 6 months old but I was just clicking around tonight and happened upon your blog. I have to say “You are your own pool noodle” made me bust out laughing. I love it. It should be on coffee mugs and inspirational bookmarks. Seriously.

  11. I’m few years late in this conversation, but I wished I known about this then!!! Fatty subculture! I love it! Not sure if anyone will be keeping up with this, but the best thing about being fat is I got more lap for my young kiddos to snuggle on and I still have room for the hubby! LOL, suck that all the fat haters! :)

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